Fear and Gratitude

A free day in Darjeeling.....this city in the clouds.....it is really quite incredible....I have never been 7000 m above sea level and it is really amazing....the mist and clouds hang in the air around me and though it is damp the air is cool and refreshing....which is a great relief after the heat and humidity of Delhi.

As I sit down to write I am not sure what is going to come out and I feel a little bit of pressure to say something insightful or profound.....which may or may not happen....so here goes

Beyond everything I see around me in this country.....the people, the sights, and the culture, what I am really left with is myself and how these events impact my life, attitudes and perspectives, and what I am noticing is two things.....the first is the continually growing sense of gratitude for every aspect of my life, and the second is my willingness to face my own fears and judgements and grow as an individual.

Before getting on the train to Darjeeling I was terrified and extremely anxious. A couple of train rides in Egypt some 20 years ago had left me somewhat traumatized and I was dreading the trip. In my life I do not suffer a great deal of anxiety (another reason I am grateful) and so this was not at all easy to deal with; I found myself talking about it quite a bit as I figured if I expected the absolute worst nothing could be as bad as my imagination. I also knew that despite my fears I would be able to handle whatever came my way, even though I really didn't want to.

As it happens, I didn't have to......through a stroke of fate, luck, karma, or random coincidence, I was one of the lucky 4 upgraded to first class. The experience I had been dreading was not only tolerable but enjoyable. I spent 22 hours with 3 others, whom I probably would not have spent that time with otherwise (at least the combination of all 4 of us), and we had an awesome time.

In my life I have always been grateful. Many years ago I heard the phrase"Make gratitude your attitude" I have taken that to heart (not perfectly, but I try). I know I am lucky....I have a loving, supportive family, awesome friends, both old and new, and a job I love. I never lack for anything, and while I do love to qvetch (the Yiddish word for complain) I know I have nothing to complain about. But as I stepped off that train yesterday I felt more gratitude than I have ever felt in my life. I felt like I was completely and totally full, and there would not even be room for one millimeter more thankfulness in me...while others may have thought this was no big deal, and some (many) even enjoyed the 3rd class experience (more power to them).....to me it was a minor miracle that I escaped it and I was and still am grateful.

What I am finding is that with each day I spend here, I have more and more reason to be grateful....again more than I thought possible....whether it is to have a free day, easy access to internet, my life in Canada, or just having toilet paper in the bathroom, with each moment that passes I find another reason to be grateful.....and I am pretty sure I am not alone.....

So that was the first part of my observation of myself.......the second is that of facing fears and knowing I will be okay

I am thankful I was spared (or at least eased into) the 3rd class train experience for now (as I discovered I have 3 more trains ahead of me.....not one as I thought) but I know that had that not happened I would have been okay. I may not have enjoyed it but I would have made it through and been okay....I can handle whatever life sends my way (and again, hopefully remain grateful doing so).

Once we got off of the train we all piled into three jeeps to take us on the journey into Darjeeling. Though only about 75k away from where we arrived, the journey up the 7000m into the Himalayan moutains took about 3-4 hours. There were 4 or 5 of us to each jeep and as it happened 2 of the people in my jeep were not fond of heights, to say the least. Usually when one person asks another if they are okay the response is a yes, I'm fine, often even when we are not. As I asked the person sitting beside me if he was okay, his response was, "No. I think I am going to die here." And as we made our way up the mountain, my head hanging out the window taking in the sights, in quite a bit of awe, this person struggled with his own anxieties. I tried to be helpful and encouraging and hopefully I was (I told him to tell me to shut up if I was being more annoying than helpful, but he is an awfully kind soul and may have been too polite), and eventually we made our way up the mountain and arrived....and he had made it...facing that fear....and my thought was what can't you do now?

This trip has been a valuable reminder of what I am capable of (what we all are) and that fears can be faced and overcome.....at least that is what I am hoping with 3 more train rides to come...and I am even more grateful than I was before.....more grateful than I ever thought possible......